Hey all you fellow bloggers out there!
So, today. Well lets just say I have a lot to say to prepare yourself for a rather long post! :)
Beginnings.
New beginnings.
Ever had those?
Where you were drifting through life and then all the sudden the Lord got ahold of you and you realized that you had been really messed up in a lot of things.
So all the sudden there was an end.
An end to old feelings.
An end to old fears.
An end to trying to handle things on your own.
An end to not trusting your Savior.
And end to the way you had been mistakenly making God out to be in your mind.
An end.
Because as we all know-before something begins most the time some things end.
Last night was an end.
Today is a beginning.
For those of you that may not know me very well-I love to journal.
There is nothing more exciting to me then ending a journal.
Each and every one that I have ever completed holds a story.
My story.
The one that the Lord has written for me.
It is so neat to be able to look back and see all that the Lord has done over the years!
I used to try to journal but would normally give up because it just seemed really
self-centered and all about me.
Well, about six years I was inspired by a dear lady named Karen Miller
to start journaling my prayers to the Lord.
See, Mrs. Miller had lung cancer and one day the Lord decided to heal her
by taking her up to heaven to be with Him.
One Sunday her husband brought in some of her old prayer journals.
I was so young but I remember being really impressed by how she wrote
letters to her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
That day she inspired me.
I haven't stopped since then.
It has been six years since I started writing letters to my Lord.
Yesterday I just completed my fifteenth journal in six years.
It was an ending.
But not just to a journal.
To a period of my life that has stretched over the past six months.
Here is a glimpse of what was on my heart last night:
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Dear Heavenly Father,
Well, this is my last journal entry in this journal that I started six months ago.
I am just- in AWE of what has happened in the pages of this journal. The joy and the tears, falling more in love with You, realizing for the first time in my life that Jesus You do completely and totally satisfy and when my world is ripped apart You are there to pull me back together, meeting so many new friends, surrendering my future to You over and over and over again, the death of Mr. Clark, me passing my TEAS test and actually getting into the LPN program starting in January, work. Lord, the list could go on and on and on. You have done so much in my life in the last six months! One of the biggest things that happened in my life was I was blind (literally) but now I can see because of the Lasik eye surgery that I got January 19th. My life has truly changed forever. It was an absolute miracle that You provided for it. Thank you Jesus!
So tonight-I fell apart. I think that exhaustion makes everything worse. Little things but they have just been building and fears about...I don't know-getting hurt again and then I see SO many shortcomings in myself and I just hate it! It is like I try and try and try but I just can't change! And I have started looking to God in fear in a way just waiting for something bad to happen. I had a long talk with Dad and I know that is wrong! I just I am just...I have this mindset that nothing good should or could happen to me and last because I am completely undeserving which I am undeserving, but I know God isn't like that. These past two years have been so hard and sometimes I just get this mindset that things won't get better because I am not good enough or doing enough or serving God enough. Which is stupid. But that is why I fell apart.
Oh Lord, I was an absolute and total mess! But a friend just pointed me back to You. To Your greatness and to the fact that everything all goes back to YOU.
You are great Lord! You are the greatest!
Forgive me for...thinking of You as anything but a loving Heavenly Father. Forgive me for being fearful of You but not at all in the right way.
Lord, I allowed fears to completely overcome me. I allowed doubts and insecurities to take ahold and in the end-my eyes were so focused on me that I was barely even looking at You. Forgive me Lord. Thank you for not only being the God of second chances but being the God of one zillion chances. You are so good Lord!
This is the end of this journal but also of this chapter in my life.
Honestly, I am sort of scared as I look ahead. Please replace that fear with joyful, trusting anticipation in what You are going to do next. Help me to trust in the fact that You are GOOD.
Lord, I just surrender future to You. I surrender my fears.
Lord, I truly want to bring You honor and glory in everything that I do and say and think.
You are worthy!
I love you so much Lord! Thank You for loving me in spire of me.
In Jesus Precious name I pray and surrender myself to You Lord,
Amen
As soon as I had finished writing that journal entry I opened my Daily Light devotional that is just selections from scripture split up into morning and evening selections.
You know those times when the Lord uses His Word to speak to you in such a direct and clear way? This is what I read:
Daily Light-June 30, 2010
Morning Selection
“Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline.”
“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.”—As a father the son in whom he delights.—He wounds, but he binds up; he shatters, but his hands heal.—Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you.—“I have tried you in the furnace of affliction.”
He does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men.—He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.
Rev. 3:19; Heb. 12:5, 6; Prov. 3:12; Job 5:18; 1 Pet. 5:6; Isa. 48:10; Lam. 3:33; Ps. 103:10-14
(Source) Wow, Wow, WOW! Talk about absolute PERFECT TIMING! I was talking to Dad about how I just seemed to be waiting for God to send something bad in my life because I wasn't as close to Him as I should be and Dad was saying the exact same thing these verses are saying. How God is a loving Heavenly Father Who is looking out for our good and yes, He does need to discipline us at times, but it is never out of spite or because we aren't "performing" like we think we should.
To have Dad talk to me about it is one thing but to be reminded and told again by my Heavenly Father through His word. Wow! I do not need to fear anymore!
I need to just trust in my God. That He does all things for m good and not just to make me miserable or spite me.
Thank You Lord for this precious reminder and second chance!
Last night was an end.
Because of last night today to me marks
a new beginning.
One in which I am not ruled by fear but instead just look to my Savior in absolute trust and utter dependance KNOWING that no matter what may come my way
He is in control.
What freedom I have found in getting my eyes off of myself and instead
focused back on my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ were they need to be.
Have I mentioned lately that we serve and AWESOME God?
To Him alone be all the honor and glory and praise.
I am so thankful for new beginnings.
I am so thankful for my Savior.
Blessings to you all :)
