My Salvation Story

My amazing friend Callie over at Through Clouded Glass is hosting a Salvation story link up today!

When she mentioned the idea I was actually surprised when I realize that I had never actually written my testimony and how that Lord came into my life. Until now.

I was raised in a Christian home. My Dad was a committed christian and my parents strove to raise us in the fear and admonition of the Lord. I was in church from the time I was out of the hospital (almost). That was my life.

When I was six years old however, I realized that something was missing in my life. That even though I had a wonderful christian family I was personally not like them.

So, one day I was sitting on my bed in my room just thinking and all the sudden I realized that Jesus was missing. That I was not good enough to make it to heaven on my own. So I asked my Dad to come upstairs and told him I wanted Jesus in my life. He prayed with me and at that moment I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ. Even at that young age I knew that something was different in my life and that difference was Jesus.

It wasn't until I was about 10 years old that that decision I had made became truly real to me. I went through some hardships that year and started turning to Jesus for comfort. I realized that people would fail me but Jesus was always there.

In the years that followed Jesus became more and more real to me. Instead of being merely a religion my relationship with Jesus became just that-a relationship.

When I was 15 years old I went through a time where I said all the right words and did all the right things but on the inside I was dying. I knew that my relationship with Jesus was faltering and it scared me to death. Thank the Lord for being faithful and at the end of that year I chose HIM. I was sick of riding on the fence trying to be in the world but also be a Christian. It just did not work.

When I was just 17 I went to a small community college and found my walk with the Lord truly being challenged once again. As the year progressed I was working constantly, going to school and honestly-the Lord went on the back burner. I felt the Lord really impressing on me to prioritize and make Him first once again and stop using my busyness as an excuse. I refused. Telling myself and Jesus that I would at some point just not right now.

Until one day the Lord kind of took my feet out from under me (literally). I was riding our horse and fell-landing on my foot and hearing a distinct crack then feeling absolutely nothing. That started a year of illness that included my foot being broken at least twice. Being in a walking cast for two months. Numbness and blurriness of vision that made them think for about a month while I was getting the tests done) that I might have multiple sclerosis. Multiple ER visits. And always the unknown. Going from specialist to specialist. Being told something is definitely wrong with you but we don't know what it is. Then being sent to another specialist. Praise God that after a year we found out that all my problems had stemmed from a very bad diet (hence why I am becoming more passionate about natural foods etc). However, that year God truly became my sustainer. He was my Daddy God. And I began in that year to go to Him in surrender about everything and anything. I had to rely totally on Him. And that became SUCH a huge blessing!

I could go on with all the places my life has gone since then but a lot of you already know it. I was in a relationship that we called a "courtship" and praise God He brought me out of that using my parents. They were not controlling. They were not domineering. They knew things about that person that I did not know the extent of at the time. Because of that they had the COURAGE to step in and tell me the truth and I broke off the relationship which I praise God for!

The reason I praise God for it is because two weeks to the day that I surrendered to what I knew the Lord was telling me I went to a Bible study and met...Jason. A year and two months later to the day we met we got married. We then moved to Florida and here we are today.

One thing I am learning now is that the enemy will use distractions to get my eyes off my Jesus. I am going through a period in my spiritual walk where I have allowed my eyes to get off Jesus using busyness as an excuse. Always though, I am amazed at how gracious and forgiving He is. To think that He loves me in spite of me! With all my faults, sin, attitudes, etc. Jesus Christ still loves me. And I am still God's child.

My life is full. Why? Because God has never once forsaken me along the way. He didn't promise it would be easy. But-He did promise He would be with us every step of the way!

I am in love. With my Savior. My relationship with Him is just that- a relationship that has different phases and chapters. Different lessons to learn. One thing that will never change though is His love for me and oh how comforting that is to know!

Do you know Jesus today? Do you have a relationship with Him? What are you so thankful for that He has done in your life? What can you praise Him for today?

What is our Sacred Intent as we become Women?

I decided to go back to the archives today and re-read some posts and was convicted once again. I thought somehow that when I got married things would get better and life would be ,well, not quite perfect but almost-you know things that many young, dreamy girls believe.

Now I am not saying that I am not blessed with an absolutely amazing husband and marriage, but-it was an adjustment (and I am sure will continue to be for my whole life). When you go from being single minded and one person to all the sudden having a husband to support and love and be a help-meet to things change!

Sometimes I feel as though the house will never be clean enough. Or I get discouraged because I am unable to have piping hot, home made meals three times a day (although I am working on that one!), or the laundry is just a mountain that seems unattainable or...well, you know the things that are every day things for a lot of people.

Sometimes it is easy to forget Jesus.

I get so so busy trying to be the "perfect wife" I have in my head that I do not go to my Savior and spend time with Him in the Word and in prayer listening to what He wants from me.

So what is our intent?

What are we supposed to do as we move from girlhood into womanhood. What an amazing, scary, emotional, uncertain time of life that can be! Sometimes it is hard to even remember amidst the housework and the laundry and the phone calls and work what we are really here for.

I am going to share with you a quote from a post that I wrote on July 14, 2009. Two days before my 19th birthday.

A few years ago and yet, it still challenged me as I re-visited it this afternoon:

"I love this quote from Leslie Ludy and thought I would share it with you girls out there as an encouragement and a challenge:

'God's sacred intent for us goes far beyond just saving

sex till marriage, wearing one-piece swimsuits instead of

skimpy string bikinis, or idolizing Christian bans instead

of secular ones. It is not just making sure we tack on some
Christian morality to our self-indulgent lives.

His sacred intent for you and for me is nothing short of

absolute abandonment to Jesus Christ, entire separation from

the pollution of the world, and ardent worship of our

King with every breath we take.

Yes, it's a huge vision-one that is contrary to everything

our culture presents. In our modern world, we as young

women seem to be presented with only two options for our

femininity-we can either embrace the sensual, sexed-up

version of womanhood glorified by pop culture or we can

go the opposite direction and trade in perfume and makeup

for grit, grunge, and guy-like behavior.

But both of these options cause us to completely miss out

on the glorious pattern God designed for our femininity. We

were created to shine with heavenly beauty, to radiate with Christ-
like feminine loveliness, and to sparkle with the lily-white
purity of our Prince (Jesus). We were created to be set-apart
for Him.

-Excerpt from 'Set-Apart Femininity'"

We were created to be set-apart for HIM. Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ Who CHOSE to lay down His life for each and everyone of us on that old rugged cross. What a glorious freedom that brings! Is it really a sacrifice to surrender our lives (even the little parts we don't want to let go of) to HIM considering He willing laid down His entire life for us?

Absolute abandonment. Total separation from the pollution of the world. Ardent worship of our King.

This post is more a challenge to me than anything else! I want Jesus! In all areas of my life! I want to radiate HIM. And I want to stop saying that and move forward to take steps towards that end. I no longer want to fit Him into my life when it is merely convenient. No. I want my entire life to be completely centered and revolving around Him.

So what is our true sacred intent?

Oh Jesus, may You continue to teach us each and every day of our lives may we become more and more like you and fall deeper in love with You.

So what about you ladies? Are you living out what God would have you to live out? The intent that HE has for your life?

Just some thoughts that the Lord gave me today and I thought I would share.

What are your thoughts?

Before and After

So I have not updated in a bit. Obviously. Things have been a little bit crazy to say the least! And yet they are starting to become a lil bit more sane. If that makes any sense?

My amazing husband and I celebrated our four month anniversary. Four months? Only four? Honestly it has felt like a lifetime! In a good way :) Here are some of the things we have done in the last four months just since getting married:

• Got married
• Went to Canada for our honeymoon-now I am remembering some of the pictures we took and am digging around for them:

Oh yeah, and who can forget about the time I put dish soap in the dishwasher because I ran out of dishwasher power stuff. Ahem. I would never do something that would cause a small waterfall in our kitchen at our cottege. Nope. Not me.

•  Got home from our honeymoon and packed our life into Jason's lil Ford Taurus. By the time we I was done with it the poor car was on a scary upwards angle there was so much weight on the back! But with prayer we struck out.
• We stopped in Connecticut to meet/visit a blog friend that I have known for over two years. Rebecca and I had quickly become best friends and as close to sisters as you can get without actually being sisters! What a joy it was to finally meet her and Justin as well as her family! We had so much fun with them :) You can visit Rebecca's new blog Butterfly Days.

Jason loved playing with her younger siblings! :)

•  We went from Connecticut to North Carolina to visit some very close friends and what fun we had! Sun, Beach, friends that are like family-it was such a blessing from the Lord!

•  While in NC we learned something that was a complete and total surprise! Jason went out kyacking on the waves and I took some pregnancy tests. It was official-Jason was a Daddy! And I told him so:

 What a perfect day that was. We were thrilled beyond words! And so excited to see what God was going to do with our lil family!

•  After saying goodbye to our friends in NC we struck out for our new home in Florida. Summerfield. We had no idea what would await us there but we knew that the Lord had most definitely called us there. They had even supplied a house for us! What a blessing that was. Jason was going to be working with the youth and we were going to also help out in whatever way around the mission compound for Evangelical Bible Mission.
• We got to Summerfield and immediately began to work on it. Rooms like the living room went from this:

To this during renovation:






• It was during this renovation process of my entire house-

that I went to get my positive pregnancy test at a women's pregnancy center and we were overjoyed to find out that I was indeed pregnant although not even five weeks yet.

On the way home I began to have some problems and the next morning I woke up and knew that I had lost the baby. I was overwhelmed by the amazing support I received from women who had experianced the same thing and I started to gain new perspective as I read their stories and realized that I was not alone.

Honestly losing a little one was one of my greatest fears in life but one thing I have learned is that truly sometimes the Lord brings us face to face with some of our greatest fears just to show us that TRULY His grace is sufficient in our greatest times of need. I have a lil one waiting for me in Heaven and I can hardly wait for the day I get to meet that lil one face to face. Until then-he is in the arms of Jesus and what comfort comes from knowing that!

• Soon after I lost the baby my family and friends came up to surprise me from NY for my 21st birthday! What a fun time we had :) It was such a blessing to have them here and especially because I was still dealing with the loss of my baby I so appreciated them!
• Did I mention that I had also taken over a thrift store during this time? I was the official manager and Jason would help me. Whew what a lot of work that was!
• At the same time we were also ministering to those in the church as well in the community and for quite a while I had people in my house 24/7 which started to just drain me (with everything elso going on).
• One night I took a pregnancy test about a month after my miscarraige and was devastated when it was negative and once again I had to surrender it to the Lord. Well, another weekish went by and I was really starting to wonder so in the Walmart restroom while I was waiting for our car to get an oil change I took another test, walked away from it and surrendered me not being pregnant to the Lord, walked back and guess what?!?

The Lord had blessed us with another baby! What a surprise to me and what a precious gift from God! At nine weeks we got to go and get an ultrasound. What a blessing that was! To see our lil bean moving and wiggling was such a relief! It was amazing we even got to see its lil heart beating. At NINE weeks! Here is our lil bean:

• Now that we knew we were pregnant again things continued to become a little more solid. Meaning my house began to be more finished-

Things were beginning to turn around and yet in my heart I was still really struggling. I have it all! A house, a wonderful husband, amazing friends and family who are so supportive and something was still missing!

Someone once commented on how it was not a good thing I was depressed already (just being married) and I am sure some wondered what it was.

It was not my husband . He is the best thing besides Jesus Christ that has ever happened to me and truly is my prince. He exhibits what real love is every single day and is so patient and so loving with me. He puts Christ first and foremost in his life and you can tell!

It was not losing my child. Although that was so difficult I know that my baby is in heaven and God gives healing.

It was not________________________________ whatever fill in the blank.

So many women all over the world deal with so many things that are far greater than I could ever imagine and yet-they are at peace.

Why?

How!?


Do not be anxious about anything,
 but in every situation,
 by prayer and petition,
 with thanksgiving,
 present your requests to God.
And the peace of God,
which transcends all understanding,
 will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7


Present your requests to God.




Sounds easy right?


Sounds like it should be the first thing you should do anyway right?


Well, to my shame, I didn't.


I kind of forgot about my Jesus.


I mean of course I knew that He was there like always but I did not act like it. I tried to be the "perfect wife" on my own (and failed miserably). I tried to fix my problems on my own. I tried to deal with my sin that I was really struggling with on my own (anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, pride).


Notice a common theme there?


I.


Wow. So easy it is to get so consumed with ourselves. And how much easier it is to get our eyes off of the very One they are supposed to stay focused on-our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.


Today I had that priviledge to go to a conference that was being streamed live. Wow did the Lord use it to convict me. Convict me of what though?


Trying to live life while attempting to fit Jesus in when it was convenient for me instead of living my life in such a way that my all was built around HIM.


Then-they sung this song and oh, how did it touch me! To think that my Jesus paid it all!


All for me!


All for you!


So then I had to seriously ask myself why on earth have I been living like I have to pay it all. Why have I been trying to buy approval from my friends, family, my precious husband and my Savior when He already had paid it all!?


My debt is gone.


I am set free!


What glorious freedom! And how that makes me want to change how I have been living! I no longer want to live for me. I want to live for my Jesus. I want 150% surrender!!!!! He paid it all!!!! It just makes me want to live for HIM!


So what about you?


Where are you today?


What has Jesus been whispering in your ear?


Will you stop and listen?


I am posting the song "Jesus Paid it ALL" and I really want you to take time to listen and pray through it. He paid it ALL for you! What an amazing Savior we have!




A Verse to Meditate On

Hey all!

I have so enjoyed

the comments your left introducing

yourselves! :)

My goal is to

get to each of your blogs

and get to know you

better but things have

been a lil bit crazy

since getting back to Fl.

so it has been taking a little

bit longer then I anticipated :)

The poll is still up for

22 more hours so if you have

not voted please vote!

I would love your opinion :)

Taken in NY at Jason's families house :)

So the point of this

post was to

share a verse with you

that has really challenged

me over the last few days.

It is found in James

(absolutely LOVE that book

I have been listening to it

over and over

today as I have been cleaning the house).

"My dear brothers and sisters,

take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,  because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires."

James 1:19-20

I took that verse

and started to try to

apply it to my daily life.

So often I am

incredibly quick to speak

and quick to become angry

and slow to listen.

But that lifestyle does

not produce the righteousness

that my God desires.

 I want to live my life to bring

honor and glory to Him.

Which means surrendering things to

Him.

Is it easy?

No.

But I have found

that since writing this

verse out,

putting it above my kitchen sink

and meditating on it

I have started to think

more before I speak.
I want to portray Jesus
especially to the ones
I love most and
spend the most time with
namely-my husband.
Am I perfect?
Uh.
No.
But God is gracious
and my husband is so patient :)
What verses have you been meditating on lately?

An Investment.

Hey all you fellow bloggers out there.

So I really should be working on homework.

I really should be cleaning my room.

I really should be getting caught up on my email.

I really should be doing a lot of things.

But I was looking at these pictures and thought I would

share them with you.

It is amazing to me the people that the Lord brings into our lives.

11 years ago He brought into my life some amazing

mennonite young women that took me under

their wings and have been there for me ever since.

Every other Tuesday, for as long as I remember,

we would have Girl's Club.

As time went on and we grew older

my sisters and I as well as some dear friends

"graduated" to the older group of girls

and started to meet seperately.

The woman that mentored us was Linda.

I can honestly say that if it had not been her

and the time she invested in my life I would not be

the person that I am today.

I am really excited for what God has

for her! She got a job working at a nursing home in Virginia.

She will be overseeing the volunteers and mentoring

the girls that work there.

I am so excited for her!

But it is bittersweet at the same time.

So us girls took her out to dinner the other week.

And I taught Jacquie how to wash her hands like a nurse

(considering she is starting the nursing program in January)

And I FROZE in the parking lot but

managed to get a cute picture with Jen :)

We had so much fun!

But like I said it was bittersweet.

Seasons in life.

Seasons of change.

Investments.

Linda has invested so much in us.

I pray that I will be able to invest just as much

in those around me.

That I will be able to make a difference.

And that that difference would be Jesus Christ.

When I grow up-

I want to be just like Linda.



I have been struggling.

I really have.

It is hard to put into words all my

thoughts.

Honestly, I have so many I don't even know where to begin.

I have a lot of decisions that I have been struggling with.

A lot of fears and insecurities.

A lot of things that I have been having

to surrender to Jesus over

and over

and over again.

I want to be able to invest in others lives.

I want people to look at me and not see me

but see Jesus Christ shining through me.

I want to make a difference for Christ.

I want to bring

honor and glory to HIM in everthing

I do.

I want to be like Jesus.

Please pray for me.

What are things you need to invest in?



A Video Blog

Here is the long awaited video blog!
Sorry I didn't get it up sooner it has been a crazy week.
The volume may need to be turned up
if you are having a hard time hearing it:



These girls need the love of Jesus Christ.
The healing.
The forgiveness.
The freedom that can be found in HIM!
So what are we going to do about it?

Watch it if you dare. Prepare to be convicted.

Were you convicted?

I was.

Now what are we going

to do about it?

If you couldn't view here just 

follow the link below to view origional source:

"Radical Christian-Paul Washer"

No way.

Ever had one of those times

 when you said:

 "No Way"

 to God?

I had one of those yesterday.

Actually, I have been having one of those for months.

So this whole weekend I have been really struggling.

I had been holding on to things.

I had been refusing to surrender.

I had been relying on my own "strength."

I had not been in the Word or in prayer.

I had allowed myself to get completely overwhelmed.

Then yesterday I got angry.

Now, I am not the type of person that tends to get really angry.

I get frustrated.

I get stressed.

But I don't often get super super angry.

Yesterday I did.

Why you ask?

Well because Jason and Danny had the audacity

to suggest that I delete my facebook.

*Insert look of shock and horror here*

Delete it?

What?

So I tried to laugh it off but then I started to get annoyed.

See, they wouldn't let me laugh it off.

They wanted to know why it was so important to me.

Why I just couldn't live without it.

So I started to think.

And steam.

And think some more.

And suprisingly I really could not think

of very good excuses I mean reasons.

"Ministry"

was the best one I could come up with.

Now, I am not in any way trying to bash facebook.

I believe that you can most definitely minister through it.

However, when it starts to consume you and your time

when do you draw the line?

So, I was just miserable.

I have realized something.

When you know that you are not doing the Lord's will

and yet you are fighting

what you know He wants you to do.

Well.

It is painful.

So this morning I woke up.

And I just felt dead.

No joy.

No peace.

Nothing.

Just spiritually dead.

So I texted Jason and asked him to pray for me.

And he called me.

As I was talking to him the Lord just put this thought in my head.

"What is an idol?"

Now, I love this definition of an idol by Leslie Ludy:

"An idol is ANYTHING

 that claims our ATTENTION

 and AFFECTION

 above Christ."

As soon as I thought about that another thought popped into my head:

"How do I know that something is an idol in my life?"

Here is another quote I think sums up the answer to that quite nicely:

"One way you can tell if

 something is an idol

or another lover in your life

 is that you are unwilling to let it go.

You can't picture living without it.

 Most of us,

 if we were honest,

 would have to admit that

we are unbelievably attached to worldly entertainment.

 Life would seem empty and bleak

 if we didn't own a TV

(or a computer, cell phone, again: fill in the blank)...

Even though we have everything we would

 ever want or need in Christ Jesus alone-

we still look to these other means

 for the peace, joy, excitement, and refreshment

 that HE HIMSELF desires to give us.

 All we have is the counterfeit version

 of peace and joy because

we aren't willing

 to let Him give us the real thing."

 (Leslie Ludy)

All the sudden I knew what I needed to do.

"Jason," I said,

"I need to delete my facebook."

As soon as I verbally spoke those words

I can not even explain the joy and peace that just flooded my soul.

It was as if I had been holding facebook up between me and God.

I would let Him have everything else except for that.

Why?

I guess just because of the status.

I mean I got to share my accomplishments with the world on there.

It was all about me.

Selfish ambition.

Pride.

Now maybe you remember this post that I wrote a few months back.

I didn't remember until just today.

I am going to share a few excerpts from it (in italics).

To view the complete post click below:

An Idol.

Do I think that facebook is bad?

NOT AT ALL!

For me personally however,

 it has become an idol

 and because of that it needs to be taken care of

 which is why instead of just deactivating it

I am completely surrendering it to the Lord

and deleting it.

 It had come between me and the Lord.

 Time spent on facebook was more

 of a priority in my life

 then time spent with my Savior.

 It is so shameful to admit that but it is true!

What about other forms of entertainment?

 Movies, internet, magazines, books, cell phones, fill in the blank.

 Are they necessarily in and of themselves wrong

 (well, within certain boundaries of course)?

 No.

What are the things in your life

 that maybe the Lord has been asking you to surrender to Him?

What do you think would happen if,

 instead of spending hours doing

*fill in the blank*

we used that time to get to know our God?

What if we treated our BIBLE

 like our cell phone

 or the internet

or the television

 or movies?

What if THE BIBLE

 was one of the first things

that we turned to in the morning?

What if we had to check THE BIBLE

 at least once every two hours a day

so as to not go through withdrawals?

What if, when we have been away from

 THE BIBLE

 for any amount of time we felt

we had to check it

and then re-check it?

What if we had been away from home

 and THE BIBLE was the first thing

we went to when we got home?

What if THE BIBLE

 was one of the last things

 we thought about at night?

What if we let go of those idols

 that have control of our lives and

instead threw ourselves at Jesus' feet?

What if?

This is something that is between each of us and God.

 No one on earth can make these decisions for you.

I want to live a 110% Surrendered life

 for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

I read today in Galations 3:13:

"Christ has redeemed us

from the curse of the law, having

become a curse for us

(for it is written: 'Cursed is everyone who

hangs on a tree.')"

To think that He willingly became a curse for you and for me!

He died on that tree...for you and for me!

The least I can do is live for Him.

And I want to.

Oh so desperately.

For Jesus Christ alone.

I want Him to be my everything.

I want Him to be my all.

I want people to see Jesus Christ in me.

So yeah.

Things are going to be changing on this blog.

Like, I am going to be posting a lot more.

The Lord has been teaching me so much and I

 just have so much to share with you all!

So stay tuned for some exciting things!

And to sum up:

Am I a super spiritual person just because I am deleting facebook?

No.

Do I think that people that have facebooks are sinners?

Uh no.

My challenge to you would be this:

really ponder what priorities you have in your life.

What are the things that fill up your time?

What do you turn to for refreshment, fulfillment, and satisfaction?

Is it the world?

Or is it JESUS?

Is Jesus Christ worth YOUR ALL

(even the little, seemingly "insignificant things")?



New beginnings.

Hey all you fellow bloggers out there!

So, today. Well lets just say I have a lot to say to prepare yourself for a rather long post! :)

Beginnings.

New beginnings.

Ever had those? 

Where you were drifting through life and then all the sudden the Lord got ahold of you and you realized that you had been really messed up in a lot of things.

So all the sudden there was an end.

An end to old feelings.

An end to old fears.

An end to trying to handle things on your own.

An end to not trusting your Savior.

And end to the way you had been mistakenly making God out to be in your mind.

An end.

Because as we all know-before something begins most the time some things end.

Last night was an end.

Today is a beginning.

For those of you that may not know me very well-I love to journal.

There is nothing more exciting to me then ending a journal.

Each and every one that I have ever completed holds a story.

My story.

The one that the Lord has written for me.

It is so neat to be able to look back and see all that the Lord has done over the years!

I used to try to journal but would normally give up because it just seemed really 

self-centered and all about me.

Well, about six years I was inspired by a dear lady named Karen Miller

to start journaling my prayers to the Lord.

See, Mrs. Miller had lung cancer and one day the Lord decided to heal her

by taking her up to heaven to be with Him.

One Sunday her husband brought in some of her old prayer journals.

I was so young but I remember being really impressed by how she wrote

letters to her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

That day she inspired me.

I haven't stopped since then.

It has been six years since I started writing letters to my Lord.

Yesterday I just completed my fifteenth journal in six years.

 It was an ending.

But not just to a journal.

To a period of my life that has stretched over the past six months.

 Here is a glimpse of what was on my heart last night:

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Dear Heavenly Father,

Well, this is my last journal entry in this journal that I started six months ago. 

I am just- in AWE of what has happened in the pages of this journal. The joy and the tears, falling more in love with You, realizing for the first time in my life that Jesus You do completely and totally satisfy and when my world is ripped apart You are there to pull me back together, meeting so many new friends, surrendering my future to You over and over and over again, the death of Mr. Clark, me passing my TEAS test and actually getting into the LPN program starting in January, work. Lord, the list could go on and on and on. You have done so much in my life in the last six months! One of the biggest things that happened in my life was I was blind (literally) but now I can see because of the Lasik eye surgery that I got January 19th. My life has truly changed forever. It was an absolute miracle that You provided for it. Thank you Jesus!

So tonight-I fell apart. I think that exhaustion makes everything worse. Little things but they have just been building and fears about...I don't know-getting hurt again and then I see SO many shortcomings in myself and I just hate it! It is like I try and try and try but I just can't change! And I have started looking to God in fear in a way just waiting for something bad to happen. I had a long talk with Dad and I know that is wrong! I just I am just...I have this mindset that nothing good should or could happen to me and last because I am completely undeserving which I am undeserving, but I know God isn't like that. These past two years have been so hard and sometimes I just get this mindset that things won't get better because I am not good enough or doing enough or serving God enough. Which is stupid. But that is why I fell apart.

Oh Lord, I was an absolute and total mess! But a friend just pointed me back to You. To Your greatness and to the fact that everything all goes back to YOU. 

You are great Lord! You are the greatest!

Forgive me for...thinking of You as anything but a loving Heavenly Father. Forgive me for being fearful of You but not at all in the right way.

Lord, I allowed fears to completely overcome me. I allowed doubts and insecurities to take ahold and in the end-my eyes were so focused on me that I was barely even looking at You. Forgive me Lord. Thank you for not only being the God of second chances but being the God of one zillion chances. You are so good Lord!

This is the end of this journal but also of this chapter in my life.

Honestly, I am sort of scared as I look ahead. Please replace that fear with joyful, trusting anticipation in what You are going to do next. Help me to trust in the fact that You are GOOD.

Lord, I just surrender future to You. I surrender my fears. 

Lord, I truly want to bring You honor and glory in everything that I do and say and think.

You are worthy!

I love you so much Lord! Thank You for loving me in spire of me.

In Jesus Precious name I pray and surrender myself to You Lord,

Amen

As soon as I had finished writing that journal entry I opened my Daily Light devotional that is just selections from scripture split up into morning and evening selections.

You know those times when the Lord uses His Word to speak to you in such a direct and clear way? This is what I read:

Daily Light-June 30, 2010

Morning Selection

“Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline.”

“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.”—As a father the son in whom he delights.—He wounds, but he binds up; he shatters, but his hands heal.—Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you.—“I have tried you in the furnace of affliction.”

He does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men.—He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.

Rev. 3:19; Heb. 12:5, 6; Prov. 3:12; Job 5:18; 1 Pet. 5:6; Isa. 48:10; Lam. 3:33; Ps. 103:10-14
(Source) 

Wow, Wow, WOW! Talk about absolute PERFECT TIMING! I was talking to Dad about how I just seemed to be waiting for God to send something bad in my life because I wasn't as close to Him as I should be and Dad was saying the exact same thing these verses are saying. How God is a loving Heavenly Father Who is looking out for our good and yes, He does need to discipline us at times, but it is never out of spite or because we aren't "performing" like we think we should.

To have Dad talk to me about it is one thing but to be reminded and told again by my Heavenly Father through His word. Wow! I do not need to fear anymore! 

I need to just trust in my God. That He does all things for m good and not just to make me miserable or spite me.

Thank You Lord for this precious reminder and second chance! 

 Last night was an end.

Because of last night today to me marks 

a new beginning.

One in which I am not ruled by fear but instead just look to my Savior in absolute trust and utter dependance KNOWING that no matter what may come my way

He is in control.

What freedom I have found in getting my eyes off of myself and instead

focused back on my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ were they need to be.

Have I mentioned lately that we serve and AWESOME God?

To Him alone be all the honor and glory and praise.

I am so thankful for new beginnings.

I am so thankful for my Savior.

Blessings to you all :)